Breaking News from the Academy Awards

According to source's close to my camp, I officially don't give a crap about the Oscars. For weeks we listen to people in the entertainment industry breathlessly ask "Will Chris Rock say something scandalous or obscene?" (He didn't.) "Will they cut anyone off again during his or her acceptance speech?" (Of course they did.) "Will any of the presenters commit any major faux pas?" (Have another drink, Sean.)

The only thing that hinted of scandal was Robin Williams recycling some jokes from the largely unwatched IFP Spirit Awards from the week before. Turns out his comedy routine was a last-minute replacement for a song that he originally intended to perform but that was deemed too controversial because--I'm not kidding here--it made mock-fun of cartoon characters. (e.g. Olive Oyl is anorexic, etc.) Apparently, it might be interpreted as poking fun at the Dr. Dobson demographic who, as far as I can tell, should have been praying instead of watching an awards show for all that sinful Hollywood filth anyway.

The only significant changes made to this year's awards ceremony is that non-celebrities were further marginalized for their contributions to the industry. Filmmakers of documentaries, short films and the like accepted their awards in the aisles. The aisles??!! And they were all seated together, so we could still see the losers while the winners accepted their "to go" statue. (I think Chris Rock said it best, declaring next year the awards would be awarded in a drive-thru, along with a McFlurry...) Technical achievement award nominees were herded, cattle-like onto the stage before announcing the winner. It was like a Miss Universe line-up for hairy, old men. It was just plain mean-spirited to put those guys up there, so everyone could watch them file awkwardly off the stage after they heard their names not called.

A few notes for Gil Cates and friends in no particular order:

1. Could we just accept the idea that this show is going to run long? In all the years I have watched this show (and it has been more than I want to admit), it has never finished on time. Schedule it longer and accept it. The time it takes to let the "unimportant" award winners walk to the stage doesn't matter. The viewer who is going to watch to the end doesn't care about an extra 30 seconds here or there. Which brings me to #2.

2. Sean Penn. Where do I start? You wanna shave time? Cut his drunken, belligerent ass outa the show. Sean is a gifted actor, one of the greatest of his generation. He's also an utter douche-bag. The time you shaved putting people in the aisles, he replaced wandering derelict-like out to the microphone. The rest of the time you shaved bringing nominees on stage in advance, Sean reclaimed with his nearly-unintelligible, drunken diatribe in defense of Jude Law. Nice people only, please.

3. I know that your presenters are doing this for "free" (see item 4), but couldn't you at least take a minute or two to look over what you are going to say in advance? Delivering lines is your job for god-sakes. And if you can't pronounce it, ask someone. Please.

4. Gift Bags. This may be out of your hands, but someone needs to get a grip here because this shit is totally out of control. Why are we giving people who make literally millions of dollars per picture "tokens" of appreciation that are collectively estimated to be worth over 100k? Does John Travolta really need another wall-sized HD Plasma TV? Does Julia Roberts really need a new Simmons Beautyrest? And if we're not going to change it, at least make the presenters "earn" their gifts. All presenters who screw up their presentation or are too drunk to speak should have to give the bags to charity.

5. More of a question really. Antonio Banderas and Santana? Was Beyoncee's Spanish not up to the task? The recurring Beyoncee thing was unnervingly weird, but at least she wasn't wretched.

6. The "improvements."I think I've covered my objections to them already. Lose them. If you aren't sure what I'm talking about, fire yourself. Listen Gil, you and your people have had 12 cracks at this, maybe you're just not cut out for this producer thing. That's OK.

Next year I'm limiting myself to the Golden Globes, Emmys (daytime and primetime), the Tonys, the SAG Awards, The IFP independent Spirit Awards, the TV Guide Awards and the MTV Awards. But that's it, because I'm sick of award shows.